any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize