I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
