how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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