I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
No I am not eating basil off your cock
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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