Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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