Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
