I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
this beer tastes like vomit already
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Randomize
