at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Randomize
