So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
