a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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