Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Randomize
