im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Randomize
