I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
