woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
