The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
If that guy asks u bout me, I said my name is Jenelle, from CT, I'm a cat behiavor consultant and I'm 29. Back my story up
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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