Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I think I sprained my soul last night
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize
