When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
