I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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