he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
