Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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