Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
