I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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