Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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