I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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