Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
