what if every blade of grass was a penis?
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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