If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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