you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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