Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
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