I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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