my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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