I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
