Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
