I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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