Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
