I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize