My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
This house was built for laser tag.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
