Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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