If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
