im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I just googled if crying burns calories
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
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