Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
