The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
