fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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