He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize