Whod you bang
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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