i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
