Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Randomize
