What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
