he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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