Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
3 2 1 whiskey
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Randomize
