LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
