I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
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