Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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