I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Did you just see the Batmobile???
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
