i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
i drank out of a bidet.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
