I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
