Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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