Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
