I am midnight drunk by noon
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
The adults are the big ones right?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
