Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
